No More Rules ;)

Oh Again After a while I am back I don't know what triggers in my mind make me write this blog. This one is not my tech blog and I am darn sure no one else reads it but me. I don't see a point where I need to share what I feel with the world but I need to write it down for myself. Someday I will open up this blog ... look back at this post and I will realize what I was feeling this exact moment.

I am really surprised how things changed in last few months. My hunger for achieving has fired up again and have some new targets but I don't feel like pursuing them with as vigor I was used to few years back. One incident can change a man so much... I never believed so. Time goes by and I keep going on but then my purpose is missing. Career goals, financial goals, family responsibilities all these I can take care of and I think it was never a challenge after I realized how pathetic an average IT Professional is around the globe. Bring in some quality work, right attitude and put in some extra efforts, gain technical and soft skills and there you go. The world is your bitch and that shall take care of all logical possible goals you have.

My goals were never a really hard target, many of my friends think I am blessed and I do like to keep it that way. Many of them don't see my efforts and prices I pay to stay on top of the game. However that doesn't bother me much even I believe[up to an extent] that someone up there watches me after. Every mistake I make or accidents I face that someone has a plan for me and it works out in strange manners.

I have been bit shy about this... but I have a confession to make. Even earlier I was very objective when it came to feelings. Being One of the most selfish soul on this planet, I always think for myself first and how can I take the best advantage of any given situation, no matter good or bad. And yes.. that's not the secret I am sharing here. Secret is .. of late I find my self way way detached.... as if my old self ... early teen years.... I don't like to interact with others unless n until I absolutely have to. It is really bad 'cause that is causing lot of troubles in my personal life. I am absolutely OK when it comes to business but other than that I just cant stand most of the people around me. In that sense I loved Kansas... many a times I was used to go out for a walk and I streets were just plain empty no matter what time of day it is. Compared to that.. Gurgaon is like... living hell... people crawling like roaches out of a gutter... vehicles honking.. breaks screeching... people shouting ... a perfect definition of a hell for me. But hey.... it is still better than Bombay for me. I am scared of Bombay .... it is more crowded than my hairy.. well.. you get the picture... right? :P anyways... enough of this... hardly a year left to make a recovery... after next Feb no more.... "RULES" . Let's see if this has an impact on anything or anyone or not. :D

Needed to write this...

Whoa it's been almost a year since I wrote my last post. I don't feel like writing anymore and have been bit busy this year. Apart from that today is one of those days which makes me wonder whether I could have lived my life if this date was just another entry in calendar. I think maybe yes ... maybe no.. I don't know. It has been 5 years now and still it is as fresh in my memory as if it happened yesterday. A lot has changed in the 5 years and I wish I could go back in time and correct my mistakes[I mean who doesn't want to right?] however it is not easy and as I understand impossible by any other means to make it right. Only thing I can do is wait... wait for things to settle down or ... for me to end. First one is not in my hand but second one.. I could end myself... however I have to think about the ones I will leave behind and as of now it seems I just can not do it. I feel there is nothing else for me to do... everything I ever wanted to achieve, no matter how crazy it was.. I have achieved everything and somehow I do not yearn anything except... naah I don't need anything. After so many years I am at peace. Somehow I keep going on, maybe I am waiting for things to take a U Turn and a happy ending or dunno... Anyways... this is to mark... 5th Of November. A very important day of my life... it was ... it is and it will always be. This is for you... only one... who loved me and whom I loved.

Some Quotes From the game Max Payne II[2003], It was not Max Payne I :(

Einstein was right. Time is relative to the observer. When you're looking down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Your whole life flashes by, heartbreak and scars. Stay with it, and you could live a lifetime in that split second.



There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask 'Why me?' and 'What if?'. When you look back and see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or forked lightning. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you. It would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.



The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off.



The past is a puzzle, like a broken mirror. As you piece it together, your image keeps shifting. And you change with it. It could destroy you, drive you mad. It could set you free.



Throw the rules out the window, odds are you'll go that way too



For the first time in I don't know how long, I did not wish to be dead.



The rain was comin' down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. When you're in a situation like mine, you can only think in metaphors.



When entertainment turns into a surreal reflection of your life, you're a lucky man if you can laugh at the joke. Luck and I weren't on speaking terms.



Your past has a way of sneaking up on you. You'll hear broken echoes of it everywhere, like a bad replay. You'll get mad at everyone for reminding you about it, even if it's all in your head.



Death is inevitable. Our fear of it makes us play safe, blocks out emotion. It's a losing game. Without passion you are already dead.



The trouble with wanting something is the fear of losing it, or never getting it. The thought makes you weak.



Hypothetically, if the only choice you've got is to do the wrong thing, then it's not really the *wrong* thing, is it? It's more like fate.



I felt the rise of that old familiar feeling... I hated it... I welcomed it...



The genius of the hole: no matter how much time you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant.



I didn't deserve to walk away. There are no happy endings.



Firing a gun is a binary choice. You either pull the trigger or you don't...



What the fuck is wrong with you, Max? Why don't you just die? You hate life, you're miserable all the time, afraid to enjoy yourself even a little! Face it, you might as well be dead already. Do yourself a favor, give up!



You have wrecked my restaurant twice now. You can be so damn uncompromising, fanatical about these things, Max. One of these days, it's going to get you killed. You should be glad, Max! I did you a favor, finished off your revenge for you. The murderer of your loved ones is dead!



If you think nothing can get to you, you're lying to yourself. At best, you're temporarily dead. A lightning bolt can reanimate you without a warning.





Like always, the dead had all the answers I was missing. It wasn't that they weren't eager to talk. Quite the contrary. The dead had plenty to say. And once they started, they would never shut up. Their words would keep you awake at night. The bodies, all the evidence of all the murders the cleaners had done, all the answers. It would take days to dig through it.

Bloodlust.. bloody bloodlust... I am mesmerized... most important thing right now is to embrace it - I feel no pain... I feel no regrets... just bloodlust!!!

Salvation

To Dream Is Human... I Always Have Nightmares... Does It Make Me Evil? I Guess, It Does. And I Think I Will Be Really Proud Of It, If I Could Be Pure Evil One Day!!! I Think That'd Be My Salvation...

After a long time... a one liner...

In my eyes... everything is possible.. given you have enough Time, Resources and Passion to find out a way

Me.. Dealing with Satan...

Alright... Not so interesting topic.. but I must record it ... for future references. My broken hand has been a real show stopper for me off late. I was always a loner... but nowadays I am falling in love with it all over again[ maybe head over heels is the right description here]. Benefits I got out of this : I am more disciplined. I am not missing deadlines[Hard to believe eh?]... Better throughput when it comes to business and a lot more. The reason behind this staying alone is that... my movements are not so natural.. so driving is not fun anymore. It is a burden.. and that too in a small pathetic village like Pune... Duhh...

Anywho... This morning I woke up and I could not believe what I had in my mind. Blurry but still very clear images of my dreams... I forgot about the one[There were two dreams going on.. side by side.. Multitasking in my dreams too ... Seems God gave me a multi-core brain for free ;)].

so basically in my dream.. I think I was not happy with the bloody broken hand... and in a desperate moment.... I made a deal with Satan himself... and Whoa.. my hand was alright :D Yey... I also thought to get an x-ray done in the dream.. and of course when I woke up. Anyways, I've been feeling that I've recovered most of my movements and I feel better than before[I came to Pune]. So it is going great... but that was quite a stunt.. selling my soul to Satan for a perfect hand? Or maybe I miss it really and given a chance I would do it... Hmm... :-/ :S :P. I dunno... but I guess I will take the deal... 10 years with a good left hand... what else I can ask for? Satan... If you are reading this[And I am sure I always get few hits from Pakistan so it must be you... nothing is ever hidden from prying eyes of Google you knaaww????] then come down to Pune... we need a deal to do... ;)

PS : And I think this could be the after effects of watching a lot of Supernatural but it has been months since I watched it... nyways.. it was weird... and funny.. ;(